Sadness isn’t a good color.

I’m a bit too upset right now to form any rational thoughts. Why am i upset? (not going to bother capitalizing the ‘i’s’–sue me…plz don’t actually sue me). I’m upset because the world is unfair. I’m upset because everything seems to just keep getting worse. I feel abandoned and oddly all alone. Even though i’m someone who doesn’t mind the loneliness. The fact that i’m ranting here of all places should put it in perspective; i don’t know what i’m doing –to say in short. My music decided to cut off right about now, making me highly frustrated; i was really feeling Mumford and Sons. And sorry if i’m not using the semi colons correctly, my english professor went over them the other day and i thought why not try em?  I’m pretty sure I’m going to piss off some english majors with this text, but it’s okay, we’re all learning…? –Took a short break to get my music back up because i need the motivation. Theres a comforting thought about writing on here and knowing none will read it…but it’s in the public eye, if that makes sense. Anyone essentially can read this, but it’s that thrill. Will someone read it? Will a complete stranger find out how f+cked up i am? Stay tuned. Let me actually get to the point and say why i am sad, not that anyone cares. I have this nagging thought in my head that i am not good enough. Reason being; I try so hard to be apart of people lives, to help them as much as i can, yet, it seems as if I’m their second choice. The only time i seem to be useful to someone is to be a mere entertainment until someone better comes along. It hurts, if I’m going to be honest. I feel as if i have none, absolutely none. Maybe i’m being a little bit selfish, wanting company and all, but am i wrong for feeling that? Whatever. I’m going to go mourn over the fact that i have work in a few hours. I hate my job.

~Ellen Derk (don’t search me up, the names there for the ‘look’)

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Time Flies a Little Too Fast

It’s been two years since I’ve sat down and written in this ‘blog’. Main reason being that I forgot my password and never bothered with it. But now that i’m procrastinating and avoiding my essay, i’ve found time to hack back into my account. It seems like yesterday when I was sitting at my laptop, doing my homework, that was for high school and then watching a bunch of youtube videos. Now some things have drastically changed, and i’m not sure how I feel about them. Also there is a new song that i’d like to recommend for you to listen; Mumford and Sons, Baaba Maal- There Will Be Time. I’m studying in college right now,  hopefully to one day become a pediatrician. I’m always a 100% sure that I will end up failing and just quitting. This is turning more and more into a daily journal, even a diary, dare i say. I’m currently confused as to why i am the way i am. if that even makes sense. I would go in depth, but i have to get ready for work in about 10 minutes.

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“I don’t love you”

‘I made you cry and didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt.

 You called me a heartless b*tch, & still I felt nothing. 

You called me cruel & I smiled. I had to destroy you before you destroyed me. 

You told me you loved me & I walked away.  How could you call me heartless and go say something like that? 

You asked if I loved you. & everything froze, for the slightest second… I felt bad for you. Because in the next minute I uttered the next word without any regret “No”.

Your face twisted in pain like you tasted something sour. 

You claimed to have ‘ cried like a little b*tch’ all night.  Is it bad that I didn’t care? 

Why should I tell you I love you when I don’t ? When I don’t believe in it …

I won’t say ‘I love you’. 

Because I never will. 

Why can’t you understand that? It hurts me more to hear you say you love me then it hurts you when I don’t.

I don’t believe in love. I can’t give you what you want. I’m incapable. My love will only hurt you. But yet I stay and let you stab me everyday with your innocent I love you’s. You don’t know how much it pains me. 

But I like you. A lot.

And maybe one day I’ll tell you ‘I love you’ 

And then you will show my that love never truly existed. 

*tear* ~E.L – suffocateddreams

Let’s travel the world.

Back when I was a bit younger I often times did not understand what people meant by travel. I did not understand what they meant by, ‘I need to get away and find myself’. My younger self thought that was the most stupidest thing anyone could say. How does travel help you find yourself? Why would anyone want to ‘find themselves’? Is that even a thing? But as time went by I began to crave an escape. Teenage years had me confused and frustrated. I didn’t know who I was, who were my friends, and what the hell I was doing in this messed up world. It was what all teenagers go through yet I felt like I see was the only one misfortunate enough to feel and go through this. I wanted to so desperately leave. To see the blurry images of this haunted town pass by my car window. To forget all these so called ‘friends’ and never have to remember who they were to me. A little too harsh? Well it’s how I felt. I felt so suffocated. I still do.  I yet don’t know who I am and what my purpose is, and here are people trying to write my story for me. Trying to tell me who I am, judging me, their beady eyes watching my every movement. I want to leave and restart everything. New friends. New lifestyle. New place. A new beggining. It’s like how people say new places, new faces. I know the point of this kind of travel is to leave and find yourself, to come back as a better person and having figured out your place in the world. But is it bad that I don’t want to come back? To just slowly slip past unnoticed and into the shadows. I crave for the feeling of serenity. It’s the most pleasurable state your mind can be in.

~E.L suffocateddreams. 

The Typewriter series.

Have you ever read the typewriter series? The poems are to die for, they are short and sweet and put all your unsaid words onto paper.

Let me show you just how great his poems are! :

When she transformed into a butterfly,  the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness, they wanted her to change back into what she has always been,

but she had wings. – Tyler Knott Gregson

Isn’t it just awesome? I’m not much of a poet but I do love reading them on my free time. Or looking for poems to quote the perfect captured photo. Well I have done a little bit of my own poetry but that’s child’s play. Maybe i’ll post one on here one time.

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~E.L suffocateddreams

Work and more work. 

Last night my manager called and told me to come into work on my day off! Hey I don’t mind, the more hours the more money right? Well today I planed to do a lot of my hw. Which didn’t turn out well at all. I came from work exhausted and tired. I got down to my essay right away, took up 4 hrs ! Caught up on ‘how I met your mother’ and went back to doing my homework for the day. By now I guess I’m ‘finished’ for the day and even though I skipped a lot of the work that’s due today I don’t have the strength to do it right now. I know I’ll pay for it tomorrow. Oh and I also found out I have work to do from my work. Oh how life loves to torture me. I feel so suffocated ! I’m drowning in work. My head is throbbing x.x         

~E.L suffocateddreams

11 pm in the afternoon. 

I’m currently listening to my pandora station and ‘nine in the afternoon’ by panic at the disco, is playing. I definitely recommend to check it out, I don’t usually listen to panic at the disco but I love this song ! Anyway it’s kinda like that feeling where you’re just laying there and you think over everything. You know ? I’m sure we’ve all done it. Well I’m in a pickle. I love thinking over the future and all the endless possibilities. This year I’ve been working my butt of trying to achieve my goal, which I’ll share later on in another blog of mine. But I just feel like sometimes I can’t do it… It gets so tough sometimes to the point where you just want to drop everything and walk away. But what kind of world would we have if everyone gave up so easily? I promise you that if you chase what you desire…you’ll eventually catch it 🙂 

-E.L suffocateddreams.